1
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:13,971
Do you ever get one of those days
when everything makes sense?

2
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:19,070
Tinker's working, Eric's trying to.
Freddie the Phone hasn't raised the rent -

3
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:21,546
he's not even thinking
of risking a homecoming.

4
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,344
How do you spell satin - one T or two?

5
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:24,543
Mm?

6
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:28,247
As in satinwood inlaid marquetry,
circa 1850.

7
00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,722
Oh, the tripod table. One T.

8
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,884
You know how to spell marquetry, do you?

9
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,052
Of course I do.

10
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:38,724
Oh, and add probably by
Samuel Parnaby of Sandwich, Kent.

11
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,494
No, make that possibly.

12
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:44,299
- Samuel Parnaby, I've never heard of him.
- Neither have I.

13
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:47,568
- Sounds right, doesn't it?
- Want this on the trailer, Lovejoy?

14
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:50,599
Mm-hm, everything's gotta go
to the West End showroom.

15
00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:53,077
- What, you mean Vicki's flat?
- (Lovejoy laughs)

16
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:57,641
(TV)... voicing their protest at the Department
of the Environment's decision last month,

17
00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:01,415
to allow development
on a greenfield site near the M1,

18
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:05,015
which is not only a site
of special scientific importance,

19
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:09,757
but also involves the demolition
of a derelict 17th-century manor house -

20
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,764
Hawspring St. Mary.

21
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,632
The developers, Tartan Transglobe plc,
it is claimed,

22
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:20,799
have ignored the wishes of the local council
and the local member of parliament.

23
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,105
Today, the development
officially gets under way,

24
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,079
and the concerned parties
will be staging a protest...

25
00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:30,480
(All) Save our village, save our village,

26
00:02:30,517 --> 00:02:36,581
save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village,

27
00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:39,820
save our village, save our village.

28
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:42,157
- (Booing)
- (Chanting continues)

29
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,061
(Screams)

30
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:48,629
Are you all right, love?

31
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,660
What happened?
Did anybody see what happened?

32
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:53,069
(Banging)

33
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:27,873
Save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village.

34
00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:30,068
(Car horn)

35
00:03:30,109 --> 00:03:34,842
Save our village, save our village,
save our village...

36
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:35,973
(Applause)

37
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,180
On behalf of Tartan Transglobe plc,

38
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:22,923
I'd like to introduce
Mr. Charles Montrose, MP, our chairman.

39
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,554
(Applause)

40
00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:43,440
- We're talking the future here.
- (Chanting continues, distant)

41
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:45,610
We're talking enterprise.

42
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:50,055
We're talking energy,
ideas, self-expression.

43
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:10,534
(Montrose) Above all,
we're building on our heritage -

44
00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:16,777
the heritage of a great nation
looking to the future, not to the past.

45
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:24,154
Looking to the future and the 21st century
with pride and optimism.

46
00:05:26,025 --> 00:05:28,721
(Villagers booing)

47
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:41,395
Right.

48
00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:44,808
Hanratty's.

49
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:48,837
It's nice to be back in Hanratty's.

50
00:05:48,881 --> 00:05:52,715
Not that you could call old Ratty
a specialist exactly,

51
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:57,246
but he always comes up with something
interesting in the edged weapons line.

52
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:58,917
This, for example.

53
00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:02,257
I know, it's not my cup of tea
but... I'm on a commission,

54
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,229
and a percentage is a percentage.

55
00:06:04,263 --> 00:06:05,662
Have you got my coffee?

56
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,100
Weird! Chetwood's gonna love this.

57
00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:10,625
Ah, no, you've got my coffee.

58
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:13,537
- Tastes like tea anyway, Eric.
- They're all coffees.

59
00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:14,972
Tastes like gravy.

60
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:17,202
Have you checked the lights
on the Harley yet?

61
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:19,803
- I'll get round to it, don't worry.
- Yeah.

62
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,508
Against you, sir. Shall we say 100?

63
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:24,413
120.

64
00:06:24,450 --> 00:06:27,112
George III.
What's all this engraving?

65
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:32,022
It's a commemorative piece, isn't it. 1750s.
The blade's a Solingen, it could be earlier.

66
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,288
That's the Solingen running wolf.

67
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:40,698
It says here "Fine basket sword,
1.25m, about 1760.

68
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:46,365
Unusual orb-shaped basket
with conventional loop guard plus quillons...

69
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:51,173
whatever they are.
Engraved "Souv le QC" on blade.

70
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:54,509
It's lot 161 all right.
What budget did Chetwood give you?

71
00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:59,280
Up to 900 quid. I've never seen a guard
with quillons like that before - have you?

72
00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:01,309
- Chetters'll love this.
- Thank you, sir.

73
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,687
Adores getting his teeth into a mystery.

74
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,723
What is a quillon, by the way
when it's at home?

75
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,126
Hello!

76
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,563
- What?
- Gently Bentley.

77
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,793
He got those Venetian stilettos earlier on.

78
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,859
Yes, but he stayed for this.

79
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:22,239
Right, lot 161, a fine 18th-century
commemorative basket guard claymore.

80
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,106
Let's see what Bentley does.

81
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:25,974
Who'll start me off at 200?

82
00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:33,085
Come along, ladies and gentlemen,
this sword's worth far more than £200.

83
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:34,143
No?

84
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,621
Oh, well, I shall sell it for 200, then.

85
00:07:38,825 --> 00:07:40,986
300, thank you, madam.

86
00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:43,720
400.

87
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:46,159
500.

88
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,190
- Who is she?
- Can't see.

89
00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:50,498
With the lady, then -
are we all done at 500?

90
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,697
Six, thank you, sir.

91
00:07:54,106 --> 00:07:55,437
And 50.

92
00:07:56,609 --> 00:07:58,304
Seven, thank you, sir.

93
00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,278
Against you, madam.

94
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,439
Seven it is.

95
00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,278
- Lovejoy.
- (Gasps)

96
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:08,143
Which lot are they at?

97
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:09,677
They've just done 163.

98
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:13,158
If you found the sword at the flat,
why the hell didn't you bring it to me?

99
00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:16,355
- This is the correct place to bring it?
- I didn't say that it isn't.

100
00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:18,192
Crap furniture and good weapons.

101
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,995
Genuine collectors' house, Hanratty's,
you always told me.

102
00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:22,091
And you bid me up.

103
00:08:22,134 --> 00:08:25,365
I didn't see you.
Nobody bids only once anyway.

104
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:26,530
Who told me that, huh?

105
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,504
Perhaps I should change me aftershave.

106
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:31,271
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.

107
00:08:31,310 --> 00:08:33,972
The claymore, would you mind
if I were to look at it?

108
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:37,210
No, no, come with me. Vicki, Eric,
show this man the sword, will you.

109
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,582
Vicki, we're coming to the flat this afternoon.

110
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,746
- My place?
- We're gonna drop some stuff off.

111
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:44,722
You know, the table and things,
and yes, I did remember to call her.

112
00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:46,452
- Right, Vicki?
- Well...

113
00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:48,050
I wonder... May I have a word?

114
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:49,356
Yeah.

115
00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:50,885
My name is Kinloch.

116
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,329
- Lovejoy.
- Catchpole.

117
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,333
This is a commemorative piece.

118
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:58,098
"Souv le QC". You find that on a few of them.
Souviens le quarante-cinq -

119
00:08:58,137 --> 00:08:59,365
remember the '45.

120
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,430
1745.

121
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,702
The '45.

122
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:07,304
Ah, Prestonpans, Culloden, Bonnie Prince Charlie
♪ Over the sea to Skye ♪

123
00:09:07,346 --> 00:09:08,813
I remember doing that.

124
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,440
You're looking very smart, Tinker.

125
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,974
Regimental reunion, young ma'am.

126
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:16,111
Charles Edward Stuart, as you say.

127
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:19,386
Charles III of England as he might've been.

128
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:22,917
- So this commemorates what - a disaster?
- Not for Charles it wasn't.

129
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:25,863
He had England scared witless.
He was a hero in Europe.

130
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:30,358
Quite right, young lady. In Paris he was féted.
He was the toast of France despite his defeat.

131
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:35,898
The fact is, sir, that this particular claymore,
I believe has connections with my family.

132
00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:38,069
Well... it's more than a belief.

133
00:09:38,110 --> 00:09:41,307
You see the capital O
with the smaller O beside?

134
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:42,336
Mm-hm.

135
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:48,013
My family are the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
There are two Lochs Olloch -

136
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:53,014
the big sea loch and the little freshwater loch,
hence the two O's.

137
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,856
It's a mark on all the family silver.

138
00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:59,228
I imagine you gave
nearly a thousand pounds for this.

139
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:03,294
I'd be prepared to give you 5,000.

140
00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:11,975
Just a moment.

141
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:18,015
(Auctioneer) It's a very desirable lot, this one.
Now, I have £600.

142
00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:20,109
Five grand starts me wondering.

143
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,454
Hello, Gently.

144
00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:26,882
You bought that damn thing, did you?

145
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,091
Commission.

146
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,618
Yeah.

147
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:34,531
Well, fools abound,
as my old Aunt Dolly used to declare.

148
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,558
Only a commemorative piece, you know.

149
00:10:36,602 --> 00:10:39,935
What would you do
if you were offered two grand for it?

150
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,439
What?

151
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,839
Let's have a look at it.

152
00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:47,935
I don't get it.

153
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,676
Solingen blade,

154
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,946
but no other maker's stamp on it.

155
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:56,218
He, er... (Clears throat)

156
00:10:56,255 --> 00:11:00,316
- He says it was made for his family.
- Probably was.

157
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:01,758
Do you know him?

158
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,125
No.

159
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,652
Is he a dealer?

160
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:06,164
Doubt it.

161
00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:09,624
Looks as if you've struck lucky, Lovejoy.

162
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,661
Grab your two grand and run. I should.

163
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:14,366
Hmm.

164
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:17,600
- Thank you, Bentley.
- Mm.

165
00:11:19,045 --> 00:11:20,512
Well, you know me.

166
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,539
Gonna hang on to it.

167
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:31,319
I just want to feel a bit freer, you know?

168
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:33,481
I think that's what it is.

169
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,756
Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.

170
00:11:35,795 --> 00:11:37,490
But don't expect miracles.

171
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,327
Are you sure you can afford to buy it?

172
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,162
I've worked it out quite carefully.

173
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,796
Dad got it dirt cheap from some fence
who's retired to Malaga - Albie something.

174
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:48,238
I would've thought I was doing him a favor.

175
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:49,935
Well, yes, quite.

176
00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:52,273
You will tread gently, though, won't you?

177
00:11:52,311 --> 00:11:54,336
He feels very guilty about you.

178
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:58,009
I suppose that's why he bought you the flat
in the first place, don't you think?

179
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,779
He doesn't have to feel guilty.

180
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:02,379
I mean, it's not his fault
that my mum's a prize cow, is it?

181
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,626
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, darling, how are you?

182
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:21,697
I've just been helping Jane to plan
her interior decor stuff on my computer.

183
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:22,901
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

184
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,341
- Hello, Vicki.
- Hi, Eric.

185
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:29,006
Eric, start unloading that, would you, and be
careful of that table, Tinker's in love with it.

186
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,577
- Now, Dad...
- What?

187
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:34,245
Uh, Dad...

188
00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:37,052
What the hell?

189
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,990
I've been careful with them.
I just don't really want them here.

190
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:44,223
What do you mean, you don't want them,
they're beautiful, some of my finest pieces.

191
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,925
I was beginning to feel like
your London showroom.

192
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:49,833
You are my London showroom.
What the hell's going on, Jane?

193
00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:51,894
This is the pack I've been designing.

194
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:52,961
It's for a perfume.

195
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,496
- I haven't named it yet.
- You getting paid for this?

196
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:58,806
- Got a few ideas for the bottle.
- Are you getting paid for this?

197
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:01,304
- In a way.
- In what way?

198
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:04,849
That the real stuff?

199
00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:07,518
What's going on here?

200
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,955
Are you going to drink this champagne or not?

201
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:15,757
I think Vicki's trying to tell you
she's got a job.

202
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,127
She already had a job,
running my London showroom.

203
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:19,927
No, a proper job.

204
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,331
Flexi-hours, a personal pension scheme.

205
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:25,098
A pension, wow, good for you -
what about me?

206
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:26,468
And money.

207
00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:27,836
Money...

208
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:29,841
and a pension -

209
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,035
wow!

210
00:13:31,076 --> 00:13:32,509
I'm a sales executive.

211
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,070
I'm just above a most junior salesperson.

212
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,776
- I can wear a suit.
- Oh!

213
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,648
She's got something else to tell you.

214
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,316
The check's the deposit,
and the rest is a standing order.

215
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:48,117
What?

216
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,220
I'm paying you back for the deposit,
I want to buy the flat.

217
00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:54,164
- Properly buy it.
- It's already yours.

218
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,861
Well, I'm paying you back for it, then.

219
00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,801
The deposit and everything.

220
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,170
I bought it for you.
I don't want this.

221
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,771
Dad, I want to be independent.

222
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,506
- She doesn't feel it's hers.
- I feel it's hers.

223
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:10,777
Oh, I see.
This could obviously go on for some time.

224
00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:12,681
Look, she's very determined -

225
00:14:12,718 --> 00:14:15,084
why don't you just give in
with a good grace?

226
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,987
- Dad, you must be broke. You always are.
- I am not broke

227
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,014
and I do not want your money.

228
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:24,291
- You've never refused money in your life!
- If you want to throw your money around,

229
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:26,025
I suggest you find a charity,

230
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:29,034
but I don't think I qualify for that just yet.

231
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:31,400
Didn't you tell me
you found the sword in this flat?

232
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,428
That means I bought back my own sword.

233
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:36,373
- I'll give you the money for it.
- I don't want the money for it!

234
00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:40,938
Oh, my God!
What's all this lot doing here?

235
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:42,174
It's all going out.

236
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,079
Lovejoy, give it to me in a word.

237
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:48,246
Is the stuff that's in going out
or is the stuff that's out coming in?

238
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:50,278
- In a word, Eric - in.
- Out.

239
00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:51,789
Make up your mind, somebody.

240
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,655
- Shut up, Eric.
- Dad, it's only money.

241
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:55,489
She's been very loyal to you, Lovejoy.

242
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:58,360
That's very nice, Lady Jane,
I only came in to try and help.

243
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,831
- Do you want the stuff out or what?
- Oh, shut up, Eric.

244
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:02,857
(All talk at once)

245
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,530
She even said
her mother was a pain in...

246
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:09,132
Well, I didn't tell her,
it almost certainly was.

247
00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:11,301
- Was what?
- His fault she was.

248
00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,004
His fault she was what?

249
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,637
Oh, never mind!

250
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:21,508
Do you ever have one of those days
when you feel nothing makes sense?

251
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:26,390
You buy a sword from your daughter
at a price that's over the odds

252
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,292
even though she found it in a flat
that you bought for her.

253
00:15:29,328 --> 00:15:32,957
So, in other words,
I'm buying back my own sword

254
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:36,832
and she wants to buy back a flat
that already belongs to her.

255
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,303
Am I missing something here?

256
00:15:40,072 --> 00:15:41,733
Perhaps it's not happening.

257
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,298
Perhaps it's getting to me.

258
00:15:43,342 --> 00:15:46,903
Perhaps I'm ready for that little cozy room
in that big white house.

259
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,973
Well, I will be
if I carry on talking to myself like this.

260
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,156
Right, well, I'm off, then.

261
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:06,930
Kinloch's left his address and phone number
in case you change your mind about the sword.

262
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,092
Oh.

263
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,160
And, Lovejoy, by the way,
what are quillons?

264
00:16:12,204 --> 00:16:15,196
Oh, these... are quillons, Eric.

265
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,403
Oh. Could've made them the same length,
couldn't they?

266
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:21,874
Very rare, that, Eric.

267
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,973
By the way, did you get my French polish?

268
00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:27,543
I thought I might get that later,
cos I'm gonna be late for Charley's gig.

269
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:29,247
Get it before closing time, Eric.

270
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:31,347
Yeah, before closing time, no problem.

271
00:16:31,390 --> 00:16:33,119
And fix the light on the Harley, Eric.

272
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,147
Yes, all right.

273
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:36,024
And leave some gravel in the drive, Eric.

274
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:57,810
(Barking)

275
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:06,589
(Barking)

276
00:17:24,476 --> 00:17:25,773
Oh!

277
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:28,870
Oh, bloody Eric.

278
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,590
(Breaking glass)

279
00:18:13,325 --> 00:18:15,350
What is it about this sword?

280
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:31,769
(Horn beeping)

281
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:44,855
Hello, Chris, mate.

282
00:18:44,890 --> 00:18:46,357
Long time no see.

283
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:50,092
Bloody hell!

284
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,756
Bloody Eric.

285
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,162
- Bloody hell!
- (Laughs)

286
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:55,497
What, rear light, was it?

287
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:58,025
I'll have to have a license
or something off you.

288
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,061
I told station I was following you.

289
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:03,905
Come back to the office and I'll get it for you.
It's only round the corner.

290
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:06,274
- Office?
- Yeah, Lovejoy Antiques.

291
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,711
Works of art valued
if we like the look of you.

292
00:19:08,747 --> 00:19:10,305
I'm finance director.

293
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:14,479
So, come on, then, I want the lot with this,
siren, lights, everything!

294
00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,547
You don't get a siren with one of those.

295
00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:35,137
- (Horn beeping)
- (Drunken singing)

296
00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:39,910
Get out the way, Tinker!

297
00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:45,438
Oh!

298
00:19:49,821 --> 00:19:52,221
OK, Chris, I'll get it now,
I won't be a minute.

299
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,381
Ohh!

300
00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:57,458
What the hell's...

301
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:58,963
Don't just stand there!

302
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,496
(Bicycle bell)

303
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:08,067
Another party.

304
00:20:08,106 --> 00:20:11,075
Oh, disco lights.

305
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:14,943
- Bring on the dancing girls.
- (Car speeding off)

306
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,712
♪ Some die of drinking water

307
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:24,347
- ♪ And some of drinking...
- You are bloody useless!

308
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,050
Your reunion went well?

309
00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:28,559
- You're a prat.
- Eh?

310
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:30,892
I'll just be seeing that license, OK, Eric?

311
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:32,123
Ah, right.

312
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:35,827
♪ But of all the world's diseases... ♪

313
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,866
Coffee.

314
00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:43,898
Don't scald your mouth.

315
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:46,803
- (Sighs)
- Has Columbo filed his report yet?

316
00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:50,975
No, he says he's gonna let you off using
threatening behavior to a police officer

317
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,678
- but just this once.
- Oh, very kind of him.

318
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:56,984
As for the burglary, he's not interested
cos there's nothing missing,

319
00:20:57,022 --> 00:21:00,048
and he's an environmentalist
and he doesn't wanna waste paper.

320
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,754
- This is what they were after.
- You're kidding.

321
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:06,696
If you're prepared to spend five times
over the odds, Eric, you're prepared to steal.

322
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:10,031
I always thought that was a peculiar object.

323
00:21:10,068 --> 00:21:11,399
Ohh!

324
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:15,997
He's scalded his mouth now.
You should've warned him.

325
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,508
It serves him right.

326
00:21:19,511 --> 00:21:21,308
Why do you think they want this, hmm?

327
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:22,643
Sentimental value?

328
00:21:24,549 --> 00:21:26,039
Tink, in the morning...

329
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:27,642
(Crashing noise)

330
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:31,953
- In the afternoon when he wakes up...
- If he wakes up.

331
00:21:31,990 --> 00:21:35,619
...I want you and him to find out
more about that bloke at the auction.

332
00:21:35,661 --> 00:21:37,629
- Kinloch.
- Oh, right, yeah.

333
00:21:37,663 --> 00:21:40,359
Find out more about the Kinlochs
of Lochs Olloch.

334
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:43,232
So, in the morning,
find out about the Ollochs of Loch Kinloch.

335
00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:45,327
No, the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.

336
00:21:45,370 --> 00:21:47,930
- The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- That's right.

337
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,497
The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.

338
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,065
(Tune on mouth organ)

339
00:22:17,436 --> 00:22:18,960
- Hi.
- Hi.

340
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,972
Are you still cross?

341
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:22,940
This time I'm worried.

342
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:29,371
I want you to tell me what's over my shoulder
across the street.

343
00:22:32,050 --> 00:22:33,039
Bloke in a car?

344
00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:35,713
Two blokes in a car
and they're watching this place.

345
00:22:35,754 --> 00:22:36,743
Oh, sure.

346
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:40,121
They did my place over last night.
I don't think it's safe for you here.

347
00:22:40,158 --> 00:22:42,422
I've made arrangements
for you to stay with Jane.

348
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:43,723
That's great.

349
00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:45,286
Dad, what is going on?

350
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:48,128
Did you really find that sword here?

351
00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:49,531
Yes.

352
00:22:52,971 --> 00:22:56,270
Take the handle off the broom
and find me some newspaper to wrap it in.

353
00:22:56,308 --> 00:22:59,505
- What for?
- Never mind what for, just go and do it.

354
00:23:00,479 --> 00:23:01,571
Eric.

355
00:23:01,613 --> 00:23:04,377
Would you turn the music down, please,
and listen to me.

356
00:23:04,416 --> 00:23:05,405
Thank you.

357
00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:07,611
I want you to get on your bike...

358
00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:25,931
(Knock on door)

359
00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:31,542
Hi. What took you so long?

360
00:23:31,576 --> 00:23:32,907
Hi, Vicki.

361
00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:34,639
Right, get your clothes off.

362
00:23:34,679 --> 00:23:35,976
Eh?

363
00:23:36,014 --> 00:23:38,881
- Get 'em off!
- Huh?

364
00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:06,208
All right, Eric, come on.

365
00:24:07,412 --> 00:24:09,209
Pink!

366
00:24:14,252 --> 00:24:16,413
It's bloody freezin' out here, Lovejoy.

367
00:24:17,322 --> 00:24:19,290
(Car engine starts)

368
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:13,368
Come on, Eric.

369
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:20,349
Hello, Bella, how's the hard-fat café?

370
00:25:20,385 --> 00:25:22,012
Lovejoy, how you doing?

371
00:25:22,053 --> 00:25:23,384
I wanna see you.

372
00:25:23,421 --> 00:25:25,321
- Two teas.
- Make that four.

373
00:25:26,758 --> 00:25:29,226
Wey-hey! Who's a nice boy, then?

374
00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:32,128
- Who's a pretty boy, then?
- Give us a kiss, sweetheart, eh?

375
00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:33,721
Where you off to?

376
00:25:33,765 --> 00:25:36,393
I'm on a detour.
I may need your help in a minute.

377
00:25:36,434 --> 00:25:38,868
- What do you think?
- Oh, nice.

378
00:25:38,904 --> 00:25:40,997
So, what can you do me on it? Hundred?

379
00:25:41,039 --> 00:25:43,906
It's not fallen off the back of a lorry. 75?

380
00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:44,931
Fifty.

381
00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:47,871
So, what's the favor you want doing?

382
00:25:47,913 --> 00:25:50,848
I want somebody slowing down
who's been following me.

383
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,407
- (Man) Got pink knickers on an' all?
- George.

384
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,411
There's some very weird people round here,
Lovejoy.

385
00:25:57,455 --> 00:25:59,082
He says move it yourself.

386
00:26:01,493 --> 00:26:02,653
What, me?

387
00:26:02,694 --> 00:26:04,252
You want a ride in my cab, sunshine?

388
00:26:04,296 --> 00:26:05,524
Get a load of him!

389
00:26:08,266 --> 00:26:09,631
Thought you'd like some tea.

390
00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:13,433
You must be tired
following me around all day.

391
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,684
(Engine starts)

392
00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,017
(Shouting)

393
00:26:41,366 --> 00:26:42,697
(Laughs)

394
00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:49,703
(Horn blaring)

395
00:26:53,311 --> 00:26:55,745
I wouldn't wear that shirt again
if I was you, Eric.

396
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:58,112
It's a funny color
but nothing's wrong with it.

397
00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:01,752
I don't know how you could let Vicki wear this,
let alone me!

398
00:27:01,786 --> 00:27:04,152
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

399
00:27:05,223 --> 00:27:06,383
Janey?

400
00:27:06,424 --> 00:27:08,221
Janey, did Vicki get there all right?

401
00:27:08,259 --> 00:27:12,355
Yes, yes, Lovejoy,
Vicki's here and she's fine.

402
00:27:12,397 --> 00:27:13,955
And you don't mind?

403
00:27:13,999 --> 00:27:16,593
Not at all. I like her, you know that.

404
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,832
Janey, what is this I detect in the voice?

405
00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:23,435
Well, it's just...
Isn't this all a bit dramatic?

406
00:27:23,475 --> 00:27:26,569
No, people have been following me,
trying to scare me.

407
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:27,873
Where's the sword?

408
00:27:27,912 --> 00:27:29,709
Safe.

409
00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:31,477
So, what'll you do now?

410
00:27:31,516 --> 00:27:34,974
People have been messing me about.
It's time I messed them about a bit.

411
00:27:40,859 --> 00:27:43,623
B-movie baronial.
Early Boris Karloff era.

412
00:27:44,796 --> 00:27:46,161
What am I bid?

413
00:27:54,205 --> 00:27:55,536
Sir.

414
00:27:57,275 --> 00:27:58,435
Hold it, mate, hold it!

415
00:27:58,476 --> 00:28:01,274
No, listen, friend, I just want tae talk
tae the man, ye know?

416
00:28:01,312 --> 00:28:02,870
- A lot of people here.
- In the car!

417
00:28:02,914 --> 00:28:04,506
- Out, now.
- Oh, sacred mercy!

418
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:06,813
Look, I just want tae talk.
Ye understand?

419
00:28:06,851 --> 00:28:07,909
- Yes, I do.
- Ye do?!

420
00:28:07,952 --> 00:28:08,941
Yeah.

421
00:28:08,987 --> 00:28:12,718
Great, I just want tae put a little somethin'
his way, dae him a wee turn - that's all.

422
00:28:12,757 --> 00:28:14,019
Come on, open the gates.

423
00:28:14,059 --> 00:28:19,691
If you don't buzz off, Bonzo, I'm gonna take
this hat and shove it down your throat.

424
00:28:19,731 --> 00:28:21,198
Got it?

425
00:28:21,232 --> 00:28:23,393
Yer a Rangers man, then, eh?

426
00:28:23,435 --> 00:28:26,029
Right, fine,
I'll tell you somethin', sweetheart -

427
00:28:26,071 --> 00:28:29,234
come the revolution, you are for the off!

428
00:28:29,274 --> 00:28:32,835
Yer dead meat, sweetheart.
I hope yer hamburgers, pal!

429
00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:34,344
Come back here!

430
00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:36,638
Watch the hair, watch the hair!

431
00:29:38,243 --> 00:29:39,642
(Bagpipes)

432
00:30:01,766 --> 00:30:04,530
(Men chatting, indistinct)

433
00:30:07,839 --> 00:30:09,363
Ohh!

434
00:30:11,075 --> 00:30:12,064
Oh!

435
00:30:55,019 --> 00:30:56,543
I'm sorry, gentlemen.

436
00:30:57,822 --> 00:30:58,811
Piper.

437
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,222
(Plays bagpipes)

438
00:31:51,309 --> 00:31:52,708
(Pipes stop)

439
00:32:07,358 --> 00:32:08,950
The toast.

440
00:32:10,495 --> 00:32:13,487
To him who came over the water.

441
00:32:13,531 --> 00:32:16,227
(All) To him who came over the water.

442
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:18,735
Who came to free us from the yoke.

443
00:32:18,770 --> 00:32:21,671
(All) Who came to free us from the yoke.

444
00:32:21,706 --> 00:32:23,833
Who lit the fires of hope.

445
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:25,934
(All) Who lit the fires of hope.

446
00:32:25,977 --> 00:32:28,002
Who drummed the English home.

447
00:32:28,046 --> 00:32:30,173
(All) Who drummed the English home.

448
00:32:30,214 --> 00:32:33,809
Charles Edward, of glorious memory.

449
00:32:33,851 --> 00:32:37,617
(All) Charles Edward, of glorious memory.

450
00:32:53,571 --> 00:32:56,540
What a load of Gay Gordons!

451
00:32:57,542 --> 00:32:59,271
To the martyrs of Scotland.

452
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:01,005
(All) To the martyrs of Scotland.

453
00:33:01,045 --> 00:33:03,206
Scotland the fair.

454
00:33:03,247 --> 00:33:04,805
Scotland the free.

455
00:33:04,849 --> 00:33:07,181
(All) Scotland for ever!

456
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,626
You may serve dinner now.

457
00:33:30,475 --> 00:33:31,464
(Voices approach)

458
00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:37,743
I'll tell you, they did, they put them over
the end of their guns to keep the sand out.

459
00:33:37,782 --> 00:33:38,771
(Laughs)

460
00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:45,585
Look, use the nut,
what other reason would we have to...

461
00:33:46,357 --> 00:33:51,989
The Independence Party
is no longer just a nexus of influence,

462
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,261
we are a power to liberate.

463
00:33:55,299 --> 00:33:57,699
Gentlemen...

464
00:33:57,735 --> 00:34:01,967
to him... who came over the water.

465
00:34:05,843 --> 00:34:08,505
(All) To him who came over the water.

466
00:34:28,733 --> 00:34:30,633
(Grunts)

467
00:34:32,637 --> 00:34:33,626
Ooh.

468
00:34:58,329 --> 00:34:59,523
Ooh!

469
00:35:00,731 --> 00:35:02,198
Oh!

470
00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:04,423
Ah!

471
00:35:08,306 --> 00:35:09,603
Excuse me.

472
00:35:16,214 --> 00:35:17,442
An intruder.

473
00:35:17,482 --> 00:35:19,973
Apparently,
he said something about the sword

474
00:35:20,017 --> 00:35:21,848
and he mentioned your name.

475
00:35:21,886 --> 00:35:23,217
This way, gentlemen.

476
00:35:23,254 --> 00:35:26,246
Did O'Neill tell you
about the Hawspring workers walking out?

477
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:28,281
Yes, something about their not wanting to work.

478
00:35:31,496 --> 00:35:32,793
What's going on here?

479
00:35:32,830 --> 00:35:34,092
Lovejoy.

480
00:35:34,132 --> 00:35:35,827
I might have to sue you, you know.

481
00:35:35,867 --> 00:35:37,596
Calm down, man.

482
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,398
You were trespassing.

483
00:35:39,437 --> 00:35:43,339
I'm sure my man didn't exceed instructions.

484
00:35:43,374 --> 00:35:45,865
I came here in good faith.

485
00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:50,472
Did you? Then why didn't you ring
the front doorbell, Mr. Lovejoy?

486
00:35:50,515 --> 00:35:52,847
I was looking for the tradesman's entrance.

487
00:35:52,884 --> 00:35:59,084
I wonder. I don't think humble pie
is part of your diet, Mr. Lovejoy.

488
00:35:59,123 --> 00:36:01,887
Do you want this sword or not?

489
00:36:01,926 --> 00:36:03,587
The sword, you say?

490
00:36:03,628 --> 00:36:04,856
The sword.

491
00:36:04,896 --> 00:36:07,194
Are you telling me
you're prepared to sell it?

492
00:36:07,231 --> 00:36:08,596
Yeah, that's the idea.

493
00:36:08,633 --> 00:36:11,261
What made you change your mind?

494
00:36:11,302 --> 00:36:13,736
The amount of money he was offering for it

495
00:36:13,771 --> 00:36:16,865
and the time and effort that was spent
trying to nick it back from me,

496
00:36:16,908 --> 00:36:18,967
I figured
at least there must be diamonds in it.

497
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:20,978
There weren't.

498
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,173
How disappointing for you.

499
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:26,911
Mm, so I'll just take the 6,000
you were offering me for it.

500
00:36:26,951 --> 00:36:29,476
5,000, Lovejoy, I believe we said.

501
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:31,920
Oh, yes. Cash.

502
00:36:32,924 --> 00:36:33,948
Very well.

503
00:36:33,991 --> 00:36:35,959
Perhaps Ben could get it from my room.

504
00:36:37,295 --> 00:36:38,990
You brought it with you?

505
00:36:44,735 --> 00:36:46,498
She's overheating a bit.

506
00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:48,300
The sword, Lovejoy.

507
00:36:51,008 --> 00:36:52,202
The sword.

508
00:36:52,243 --> 00:36:54,837
The money, Mr. Kinloch, the money.

509
00:37:00,585 --> 00:37:02,280
Thank you.

510
00:37:04,322 --> 00:37:05,448
Enjoy.

511
00:37:07,992 --> 00:37:10,825
I will, Lovejoy, I will.

512
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:17,759
(Lovejoy) All right, all right,
I was a crummy parent.

513
00:37:19,370 --> 00:37:21,304
I was never there.

514
00:37:23,274 --> 00:37:28,143
I always overreacted at Christmas.
I didn't always pay the school fees...

515
00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:32,775
...but I always tried to be a friend, didn't I?

516
00:37:32,817 --> 00:37:34,478
So?

517
00:37:34,518 --> 00:37:36,713
Talking to yourself, Lovejoy?

518
00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,212
You're gonna end up in a loony bin
if you carry on like this.

519
00:37:43,628 --> 00:37:46,825
There's absolutely nothing
you can do about it.

520
00:37:46,864 --> 00:37:50,891
Tink, if I can't talk to her,
I'll talk to myself.

521
00:37:50,935 --> 00:37:55,372
Right. Now, for a start,
there's no such place as Loch Olloch.

522
00:37:55,406 --> 00:37:59,035
- All the stuff about the family silver...
- Was a load of old ollochs.

523
00:37:59,076 --> 00:38:01,010
...was not true.

524
00:38:01,045 --> 00:38:04,674
They just wanted the sword for this daft charade
they do when the moon is full.

525
00:38:04,715 --> 00:38:07,616
I found out quite a lot about Kinloch.

526
00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:09,677
- Any of this going spare?
- Yeah.

527
00:38:09,720 --> 00:38:11,711
- For a start he's in Who's Who.
- Sorry.

528
00:38:11,756 --> 00:38:15,487
Thank you.
He's actually a very, very posh Scot.

529
00:38:15,526 --> 00:38:19,519
Doctor of law, historian,
has written three books about the '45.

530
00:38:19,563 --> 00:38:22,657
University appointments,
government appointments, but...

531
00:38:22,700 --> 00:38:28,161
...he is on the board
of Tartan Transglobe plc.

532
00:38:28,205 --> 00:38:30,400
Is this supposed to mean something to me?

533
00:38:30,441 --> 00:38:33,569
Well, Tartan Transglobe
is owned by Charles Montrose.

534
00:38:33,611 --> 00:38:34,942
Charles Montrose.

535
00:38:34,979 --> 00:38:38,847
That Charles Montrose that wants to turn
Scotland into an independent state.

536
00:38:38,883 --> 00:38:40,282
That Charles Montrose.

537
00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,287
Independence Party, führer of.

538
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,653
Yep, thought he looked familiar.

539
00:38:45,690 --> 00:38:48,682
Tartan Transglobe
is a pretty unsavory setup.

540
00:38:48,726 --> 00:38:54,392
They keep getting planning permission
for supermarkets that people don't want.

541
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:59,858
There's a lot of rumors about their gearing,
Tartan Transglobe.

542
00:39:01,872 --> 00:39:05,205
The FT reckons
that they're seriously overgeared.

543
00:39:05,242 --> 00:39:06,402
FT?

544
00:39:07,812 --> 00:39:10,303
Kinloch and Montrose
are a couple of Gay Gordons

545
00:39:10,348 --> 00:39:14,114
who like to toast Bonnie Prince Charlie
wearing hairy sporrans and woolly frocks.

546
00:39:14,151 --> 00:39:16,619
Do you think
that's what they want the swords for?

547
00:39:16,654 --> 00:39:20,715
I did, Tink, that's why I took the five grand
and ran but...

548
00:39:22,226 --> 00:39:25,684
You've used fresh tomatoes in this again,
haven't you?

549
00:39:34,572 --> 00:39:35,937
Bentley!

550
00:39:42,346 --> 00:39:46,248
This is bloody inconvenient!
I like my Sundays to myself.

551
00:39:46,283 --> 00:39:47,875
I shall mow your lawn.

552
00:39:47,918 --> 00:39:49,749
You, do my lawn?

553
00:39:49,787 --> 00:39:52,688
I have mowed lawns for her majesty, Gently.

554
00:39:52,723 --> 00:39:55,157
I've seen a few stripes in my time.

555
00:39:55,192 --> 00:39:57,183
I want you to look at these.

556
00:39:58,696 --> 00:40:00,095
This thing again.

557
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:02,497
I was a little stingy with the truth.

558
00:40:02,533 --> 00:40:06,765
I was offered 5,000, not two, and the
other night somebody tried to nick it back.

559
00:40:06,804 --> 00:40:08,863
There is more to that than meets the eye.

560
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:09,964
Aha!

561
00:40:10,541 --> 00:40:12,372
Electric start -

562
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:14,071
I love it!

563
00:40:14,111 --> 00:40:15,669
Off you go.

564
00:40:30,828 --> 00:40:33,319
Ah! Claydore.

565
00:40:35,399 --> 00:40:38,994
"The weapon was forged
in the workshop of one Andreas Schnabel

566
00:40:39,036 --> 00:40:42,028
"in the city of Westminster, 1747.

567
00:40:45,810 --> 00:40:48,472
"The sword was a commission
from Baron Ferrini,

568
00:40:48,512 --> 00:40:52,812
"a Sardinian merchant and banker
who was an agent of the French government.

569
00:40:52,850 --> 00:40:56,411
"The sword was presented to the family
of Lord George Murray -

570
00:40:56,454 --> 00:40:59,218
"the great Jacobite in exile in Holland."

571
00:41:00,424 --> 00:41:01,652
Lovejoy!

572
00:41:01,692 --> 00:41:03,353
Lovejoy, come here!

573
00:41:09,700 --> 00:41:12,066
- Come in, come in.
- Gently, you sound almost excited.

574
00:41:12,102 --> 00:41:16,835
C-L-A-Y-D-O-R-E - Claydore.
My goodness!

575
00:41:16,874 --> 00:41:19,240
- Claydore?
- It's a sort of pun, you could say.

576
00:41:19,276 --> 00:41:21,267
I've never even taken it seriously.

577
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:24,440
I've always thought it on a par
with the Loch Ness monster.

578
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,849
Gently, please, go slowly, please.

579
00:41:27,885 --> 00:41:29,853
From the beginning,
make some sense, hmm?

580
00:41:29,887 --> 00:41:34,824
Shall we start with "a sort of pun",
shall we start there?

581
00:41:34,859 --> 00:41:37,657
OK. Claydore is French, of course.

582
00:41:37,695 --> 00:41:41,256
Claydore, clay as in clef, key of gold,

583
00:41:41,298 --> 00:41:45,132
but the thing could just about
be called a claymore, you see?

584
00:41:45,169 --> 00:41:49,799
So, in the books they write it claydore -
like claymore but with a D instead of the...

585
00:41:50,808 --> 00:41:52,537
Right. Anyway...

586
00:41:53,944 --> 00:41:57,277
"Shortly after presenting the sword
to the Murrays, Ferrini was betrayed..."

587
00:41:57,314 --> 00:41:58,611
Ferrini?

588
00:41:58,649 --> 00:42:01,243
Ferrini's the man
who commissioned the sword.

589
00:42:01,285 --> 00:42:04,254
"Ferrini was betrayed to the government
by anti-Jacobites.

590
00:42:04,288 --> 00:42:08,952
"He was arrested and tortured, tried in camera
and sentenced to death as a spy.

591
00:42:08,993 --> 00:42:13,657
"From the first, mystery has surrounded
the Schnabel claymore.

592
00:42:13,697 --> 00:42:19,363
"Tradition has it that Ferrini told the Murrays
it was the key to the gold - la clef d'or."

593
00:42:19,403 --> 00:42:21,928
"Certainly descriptions of its curious design

594
00:42:21,972 --> 00:42:25,169
"suggest that it offered the beholder
some sort of message,

595
00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,406
"but the Murrays, it seems,
were unable to benefit from it.

596
00:42:28,445 --> 00:42:33,405
"Living penuriously on the charity of friends,
the family soon sold the sword

597
00:42:33,450 --> 00:42:37,682
"to rid themselves of any connection
with dangerously disgraced Ferrini.

598
00:42:37,721 --> 00:42:40,485
"The sword has been subsequently lost.

599
00:42:40,524 --> 00:42:43,118
"Rumors of its existence persisted.

600
00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:47,620
"Furthermore, an amount of gold,
which may be that referred to by Ferrini,

601
00:42:47,665 --> 00:42:51,294
"left the French treasury in June 1745,

602
00:42:51,335 --> 00:42:56,637
"presumably on its way to the rebels,
never to be seen again."

603
00:42:56,674 --> 00:43:03,136
So, Gently,
this money that Ferrini referred to...

604
00:43:03,180 --> 00:43:05,808
- Mm-hm.
...how much did the French treasury cough up?

605
00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:10,219
20,000 gold louis in mint specie.

606
00:43:10,254 --> 00:43:11,949
Which today would be worth what?

607
00:43:11,989 --> 00:43:13,889
Millions.

608
00:43:13,924 --> 00:43:15,585
Yeah, millions.

609
00:43:15,626 --> 00:43:20,393
And this sword, this claymore/claydore,
is the key to where that money is, right?

610
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:21,455
Right.

611
00:43:21,498 --> 00:43:24,126
Right. It's a pity.

612
00:43:24,168 --> 00:43:25,328
What?

613
00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:26,996
- It's a pity.
- What's a pity?

614
00:43:27,037 --> 00:43:28,504
It's a pity I sold the sword.

615
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:56,493
A little something for you looking after Vicki.

616
00:43:56,533 --> 00:43:58,763
Oh, Lovejoy!

617
00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:00,599
Oh, thank you.

618
00:44:06,710 --> 00:44:08,234
Aren't you going to say hello?

619
00:44:11,782 --> 00:44:13,079
Ah! (Laughs)

620
00:44:13,117 --> 00:44:14,516
Hello, Vicki.

621
00:44:14,551 --> 00:44:15,882
Hi, Dad.

622
00:44:16,553 --> 00:44:20,387
I'll just sort out some tea.
Come through when you're ready.

623
00:44:24,762 --> 00:44:28,095
Thank you, Lovejoy,
this is really beautiful.

624
00:44:28,132 --> 00:44:29,622
It's a pleasure, Janey.

625
00:44:31,201 --> 00:44:36,002
You see, Victoria,
some people can accept presents gracefully.

626
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:40,101
Are you starting again? You've been so nice.
Can't you just let it lie?

627
00:44:40,144 --> 00:44:42,135
All right, all right, all right, I'll let it lie.

628
00:44:42,179 --> 00:44:45,239
I came to tell you about the sword,
I'll tell you about the sword.

629
00:44:45,282 --> 00:44:47,443
It was the key to treasure, some French gold.

630
00:44:47,484 --> 00:44:49,179
What?

631
00:44:49,219 --> 00:44:51,744
- Anyway, I sold it.
- (Both) What?!

632
00:45:16,213 --> 00:45:19,182
I shook it, I looked up its nose,

633
00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:22,481
I tried making anagrams
out of the letters engraved on it -

634
00:45:22,519 --> 00:45:24,043
in French and in English.

635
00:45:24,088 --> 00:45:26,249
I even tried unscrewing it.

636
00:45:26,290 --> 00:45:27,621
Zilch!

637
00:45:27,658 --> 00:45:29,922
Must be some information on it somewhere.

638
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:33,225
I bet those Gay Gordons
have worked it out by now.

639
00:45:49,413 --> 00:45:51,677
The French gold will be worth millions.

640
00:45:51,715 --> 00:45:54,183
- Millions?
- Yeah, that's what Gently said.

641
00:45:54,218 --> 00:45:57,779
What are you looking so cheerful about,
you just lost millions.

642
00:45:57,821 --> 00:46:01,780
I've got my five grand.
I mean, millions only brings you trouble,

643
00:46:01,825 --> 00:46:06,023
and you know
that I don't need any... more... trouble.

644
00:46:06,063 --> 00:46:07,690
What is it?

645
00:46:09,099 --> 00:46:12,626
North, south, east and west.

646
00:46:12,669 --> 00:46:15,797
She's the girl that I love best.

647
00:46:17,508 --> 00:46:19,032
Lovejoy, are you all right?

648
00:46:19,076 --> 00:46:21,067
Compass rose, Jane.

649
00:46:23,147 --> 00:46:26,446
There's no information on the sword,
the sword is the information.

650
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,116
It's a globe.

651
00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:33,783
Those two zeros,
nothing to do with Lochs Olloch,

652
00:46:33,824 --> 00:46:36,349
they're degrees, yeah?
Yeah, they must be.

653
00:46:36,393 --> 00:46:38,088
That line through the center...

654
00:46:39,196 --> 00:46:41,426
...that's the line of meridian in Greenwich.

655
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,296
And how do we get the degrees west?

656
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:48,370
Those bloody uneven quillons -
that's how we get the degrees west.

657
00:46:52,976 --> 00:46:56,776
And that B on the top of the sword,
that's north, isn't it?

658
00:46:56,814 --> 00:46:58,179
B for north?

659
00:46:58,215 --> 00:46:59,682
Boreas, the north wind?

660
00:46:59,716 --> 00:47:02,514
N would be too obvious I suppose.

661
00:47:02,553 --> 00:47:06,250
Would've been fun working it out though, Janey,
it would've been fun.

662
00:47:06,290 --> 00:47:08,554
But we've got photographs.

663
00:47:08,592 --> 00:47:10,787
No, we need the sword in front of us.

664
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:14,924
We need the exact dimensions,
otherwise we'd be miles out.

665
00:47:17,935 --> 00:47:19,869
What're you looking so pleased about?

666
00:47:26,243 --> 00:47:27,676
(Lovejoy) Clever girl!

667
00:47:27,711 --> 00:47:30,009
- Do you happen to have a calculator handy?
- Yep.

668
00:47:30,047 --> 00:47:32,880
Of course. And does she know how to use it?
Of course she does.

669
00:47:32,916 --> 00:47:37,444
My little girl ran away from the circus
to become an accountant. (Laughs)

670
00:47:38,755 --> 00:47:39,881
(Horns blaring)

671
00:47:45,095 --> 00:47:46,528
(Jane) Bloody lout!

672
00:47:53,637 --> 00:47:54,831
Stop, stop!

673
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:56,567
That's it!

674
00:47:56,607 --> 00:47:58,302
That's it. Of course!

675
00:48:00,043 --> 00:48:02,068
Sorry, folks, it's the one they blew up.

676
00:48:02,112 --> 00:48:03,101
What?

677
00:48:03,146 --> 00:48:05,842
This Tartan lot,
there was that thing about it -

678
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:09,444
Hawspring Manor. 17th-century manor house.
It was on the television.

679
00:48:09,486 --> 00:48:11,716
They blew it up
to make way for a supermarket.

680
00:48:11,755 --> 00:48:14,451
Everyone was up in arms about it
but they still did it.

681
00:48:14,491 --> 00:48:16,049
To build this?

682
00:48:16,093 --> 00:48:19,927
Yeah. Postmodernist temple,
sacred to the Goddess Housewife.

683
00:48:21,598 --> 00:48:23,429
Well, well, well.

684
00:48:24,868 --> 00:48:26,233
Thank you, Mr. O'Neill.

685
00:48:26,270 --> 00:48:27,703
Right, sir.

686
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,228
(Lovejoy) You don't know, do you?

687
00:48:30,841 --> 00:48:35,073
I mean, you have no idea what you've done.

688
00:48:35,112 --> 00:48:37,171
Put me out of my misery, Mr. Lovejoy.

689
00:48:37,981 --> 00:48:40,848
The gold louis were in Hawspring Manor.

690
00:48:40,884 --> 00:48:44,650
You've just blown it up, and poured
hundreds of tons of concrete all over them.

691
00:48:44,688 --> 00:48:48,681
- You're probably standing on them.
- I don't accept this.

692
00:48:50,727 --> 00:48:53,855
Come on, I'll buy you a drink,
tell you all about it.

693
00:48:53,897 --> 00:48:55,797
I thought he'd never ask.

694
00:48:57,668 --> 00:49:02,367
And the coordinates cross here
at Hawspring Manor.

695
00:49:02,406 --> 00:49:06,706
- Nice theory, Mr. Lovejoy, but I don't think so.
- Excuse me!

696
00:49:06,743 --> 00:49:09,906
You look like a man
that knows the price o' gold, am I right?

697
00:49:09,947 --> 00:49:11,744
$383 an ounce.

698
00:49:11,782 --> 00:49:14,342
Well, I've got a wee coin here,
d'ye want tae buy it?

699
00:49:14,384 --> 00:49:15,976
Buy it?

700
00:49:16,019 --> 00:49:19,079
Lovejoy, it's a louis.

701
00:49:19,122 --> 00:49:21,750
Well, what dae ye reckon?
Fifty quid and it's yours.

702
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:24,818
I mean, look at it,
it's practically brand-new and that, no?

703
00:49:24,861 --> 00:49:28,592
Always ask the man wi' the pink paper,
that's what I always say.

704
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,465
Gold Louis, 1745.

705
00:49:31,501 --> 00:49:32,627
Have you got any more?

706
00:49:32,669 --> 00:49:34,159
See, that's my last one.

707
00:49:34,204 --> 00:49:37,230
All the other guys have gone up tae London
wi' theirs, ye know?

708
00:49:37,274 --> 00:49:38,707
We'd hundreds o' them.

709
00:49:38,742 --> 00:49:40,266
Do you know where they are?

710
00:49:41,278 --> 00:49:42,540
Kentish Town.

711
00:49:42,579 --> 00:49:45,673
I remember Wee lan saying something
about Kentish Town.

712
00:49:45,716 --> 00:49:47,513
I'll help ye find 'em.

713
00:49:47,551 --> 00:49:50,452
Ah, brilliant.
Are we goin' in the motor?

714
00:49:50,487 --> 00:49:52,546
- Yes.
- That's brilliant, look at that!

715
00:49:52,589 --> 00:49:54,420
- Hey, hey!
- It's a Jag!

716
00:49:54,458 --> 00:49:56,119
- All right, all right!
- Brilliant!

717
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:57,820
Oh, look, it's got a radio!

718
00:49:59,229 --> 00:50:00,457
Oh dear, oh dear.

719
00:50:02,232 --> 00:50:03,665
- Souvenir.
- Oh!